EMPTY NEST
"All in the Line of Duty"
Roy M. Vestrich 
fort Warner Brothers Television Writer's Workshops
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE


(FADE IN:)

INT. HARRY'S KITCHEN--MORNING
(Carol, Harry, Charley, Barbara, Dreyfuss)

CREDITS OVER FOLLOWING:

(CAROL PLACES AN OLD SNEAKER INTO A SHOE BOX,WRAPS IT WITH MAILING PAPER AND WRITES AN ADDRESS ON IT.)

CAROL

        That should do it.  Let's see him avoid me
      
        this time.

(HARRY ENTERS)

HARRY

   Good morning, Carol.

CAROL

       Good morning, Daddy.  Would you mind    

        dropping this off at the post office for me     
        
        today?

HARRY

     A present? Alright, whose birthday did I        
        
        forget this time?

CAROL
  
        No one's.  Oh, and send it certified.

(HARRY PICKS UP THE PACKAGE AND EXAMINES IT)

HARRY
  
        Carol, this package only has a return address

   on it. Haven't you forgotten something?

(CAROL THINKS A SECOND, THEN TAKES THE PACKAGE BACK)

CAROL

        Gee, you're right...

(SHE WRITES ON THE PACKAGE AND READS ALOUD)

CAROL (CONT'D)

   Fragile...handle with extreme care.

HARRY

        I'll probably hate myself for asking, but       

        what's in it?

CAROL
      
        An old sneaker.

(HARRY REACTS)

HARRY

      Carol, why on earth would you mail an old sneaker

       to yourself?

CAROL

       So the mailman will have to bring it. Why else?

HARRY

    Am I missing the point or something?

CAROL

       Well, Daddy, he's cute. Now make sure it's      
        
        certified, so he'll have to ask for a signature.

HARRY

   It's not the only thing around here that        

        should be certified.

(CAROL BRUSHES OFF THE COMMENT)

HARRY (CONT'D)

        Where's Barbara? Isn't she going to be late for 

       work?

CAROL

      Sergeant Friday got an early call from H.Q., 

   strapped on her six-shooter and         darted out of 

  here like the world was about to blow up.

HARRY

  Gee, I hope it's nothing serious.

CAROL

  Probably some drug sting...or a cat in a rain

   gutter.  She's good with cats.

HARRY

(HARRY LOOKS WORRIED)
        
        Why would she need her gun for that? Are 

       you sure she didn't say what it was about?


CAROL

 Relax, Daddy. I'm sure she'll be okay, they

     don't put women in combat...do they.

HARRY

       Boy, sometimes I wish she'd get a normal job like...

(HARRY LOOKS AT CAROL AND THEN THINKS BETTER OF IT)

HARRY (CONT'D)
 
  Well, I guess it may not be an ideal job, but at 

       least she works hard...and steady.

CAROL

 You know, they say unemployment builds character.

HARRY

  Oh, is that what you call it?

(CAROL HUFFS AND PUFFS A LITTLE THEN CHANGES THE SUBJECT)

CAROL

     So, what do you want for breakfast. The choices 

        are Oat Puffs, Oat Squares, or Crispy Oats.

HARRY

        Who do I look like, Mr. Ed?

CAROL

        Well, a little lean, clean and mean cuisine 

    wouldn't do you any harm.

(CAROL TUGS AT HARRY'S BELT)

CAROL (CONT'D)

     Even Marlon Brando started by loosening

 one belt notch at a time.
       
HARRY

   Hey, I'm no Marlon Brando.  I'm in great shape for

      a man my age.  Here, watch.

(HARRY DOES A FEW JUMPING JACKS)

CAROL

        What's that supposed to prove? That you can 

    imitate a drunken chicken stepping on ice?

(HARRY REALIZES THAT HE'S OUT OF BREATH. HE TAKES A BOX OF CEREAL AND HEADS TO THE TABLE)


HARRY

        Well, maybe I could use a little exercise,

      but right now I'm going to sit down to a 

       good breakfast and the morning paper.

(DREYFUSS ENTERS WITH THE NEWSPAPER IN HIS MOUTH)

HARRY (CONT'D)

    Here, Dreyf...Good dog...Yes, It's a dog's job to       
        
        bring the paper to his master...good dog.

(HARRY TRIES TO REMOVE THE PAPER FROM DREYFUSS'S MOUTH. DREYFUSS WANTS TO PLAY TUG-O-WAR. BY THE TIME HARRY GETS THE PAPER, IT'S ALL TORN AND SOGGY)

CAROL

      I don't know why you bother to read it 

 anyway. It's always the same bad news.

HARRY

     It's our job as citizens to stay informed.

      We can't all be preoccupied with chasing

        mailmen.   There's important stuff going on.

(CAROL LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AND READS)

CAROL

      Sean Connery, Sixty and Sexy...Wow, you're
      
        right...page thirty-six. 

(CAROL TAKES AND THUMBS THROUGH THE PAPER. HARRY POURS CEREAL)

HARRY

    I know this stuff has all natural ingredients,

  but are these oats supposed to be walking?

(CAROL LOOKS IN THE BOWL AND SEES THE BUGS)

CAROL

      Ooo, icky poo...yuck, yuck, yuck.

(CAROL RUSHES TO THE CUPBOARD AND TAKES OUT A CAN OF BUG SPRAY. SHE READS THE LABEL)

CAROL

      Guarenteed to eliminate all common household
    
        pests...

(CHARLEY ENTERS)
CHARLEY

 Good morning, Westons. What's for       breakfast? 

(CAROL POINTS THE BUG SPRAY AT CHARLEY AND GETS AN EVIL GLINT IN HER EYE. SHE ENJOYS THE IDEA, BUT REFRAINS)

HARRY

    I'm going to grab a donut on my way to work.


CHARLEY

     I wouldn't do that Harry. Do you know how 

      many calories are in a donut? Remember,

 a moment of yummy, an inch on the tummy.

HARRY

   What is this? I'm not fat.

(CHARLEY SITS AT THE TABLE)

CHARLEY

    So, what's this? A new kind of cereal?

HARRY

     By the way, Charley, about the cer....

(CAROL COVERS HARRY'S MOUTH AND JUMPS UP AND DOWN)

CAROL

   Shh...oh please, Daddy, please, please, please.

HARRY

    Alright, he's all yours.

(HARRY EXITS SHAKING HIS HEAD. CAROL PICKS UP THE MILK AND APPROACHES CHARLEY WITH A GLINT IN HER EYE)

CAROL

     Here, let me pour some milk in that bowl 

       for you.


CHARLEY

 Okay, what's the gag? Why are you offering 

     me food instead of the door? I know...the 
      
        milk is sour.

(BARBARA ENTERS FROM EXTERIOR DOOR. SHE'S LIMPING AND HOLDING HER BACKSIDE)

CAROL

   What are you doing home...My God, are you hurt?

CHARLEY

  Did you fall out of a tree trying to save Mrs. 

 Goldman's cat again?

BARBARA

     Shut up, Charley. 

CAROL

 My God, Barbara....What happened?

BARBARA

(STOICALLY)

     I don't want to talk about it.

CAROL

     Barbara?

BARBARA

 Drop it, no ifs, ands or buts...

CHARLEY

 From my point of view,it looks like it involves 

        at least one butt.

BARBARA/CAROL

 Shut up, Charley.

(BARBARA EXITS LIMPING AND HOLDING HER BACKSIDE.  CAROL EXITS IN PURSUIT OF BARBARA. CHARLEY SITS AT THE TABLE, SNIFFS THE MILK. IT SEEMS OKAY, SO HE PICKS UP A SPOON AND BEGINS TO EAT THE CEREAL. HE SMILES WITH APPROVAL OF THE TASTE)

CHARLEY

      Hmmm...Crunchy.

(DISSOLVE TO:)