ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

INT. NURSES' STATION --LATER SAME DAY
(Laverne, Harry)

(LAVERNE IS FINISHING UP FOR THE DAY. HARRY ENTERS)

HARRY

  Any more appointments today?

LAVERNE

     No, we're through. You can hang up your 

        stethoscope for the evening, and go home to 

    your daughters and your overgrown dog. 

 I guess I can go on home to my empty house      

        and listen to the light bulbs humming. 

HARRY

    I know Nick's on the road...but is something

    bothering you, Laverne?

LAVERNE

  Well, I just don't get it...it just isn't fair.

HARRY

    What is it that you don't get?

LAVERNE

   Little Stevie Adler...well his Daddy must be

    old enough to have met Roosevelt.

HARRY

  Laverne, I'm old enough to have met Roosevelt.

LAVERNE
   
        I'm talking about Teddy Roosevelt...you know old

        Rough Rider...the one that died of a blood clot in

      nineteen-nineteen.      

HARRY

   A blood clot? Really?...Anyway what about Stevie's

      father?

LAVERNE

  Well, doesn't it strike you as just a might bit

 strange? An old man like that raising a young boy...

    Well, I'll bet he doesn't even make to his first 
       
        date...not to mention his Bar Matzo...

HARRY

     It's Bar Mitzvah, Laverne, and it's none of your 

       business.  Lots of older folks raise young children.

LAVERNE

     Usually grandchildren.

HARRY

     Come on Laverne, I know you better than that,

   you're not really all that shocked by this. If you 

     want, I'll run you down to Sam's City Slickers

  so you can pick up that exercise bike.

LAVERNE

   It's a rowing machine. But I still think it's 

  unfair.

HARRY

    What's unfair?

LAVERNE

   Why is it that a man's planting season includes

 summer, fall and winter, when a women can only 

 hope she's done yanked out all her turnips by the 

      first frost?

HARRY

       What is it with you and vegetables?

(THEY PREPARE TO EXIT)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

ACT ONE

SCENE FIVE

INT. HARRY'S LIVING ROOM -- SAME DAY, EARLY EVENING
(Barbara, Carol, Harry, Charley, Dreyfuss)

(BARBARA IS LYING ON THE COUCH ON HER STOMACH, DREYFUSS JUMPS UP ON HER, LANDING SMACK ON HER WOUNDED BACKSIDE. SHE REACTS IN PAIN)

BARBARA

        Carol, will you get this big mutt out of here.

(CAROL ENTERS FROM KITCHEN)

CAROL

(TO DREYFUSS)
        
        Come on sweetie, don't you know enough to 

        let wounded dogs lie.

BARBARA

        That's sleeping dogs.

CAROL

        I told you that those pain killers would make you 

        drowsy.

BARBARA

        I didn't take any...you know I can't stand 

        swallowing pills. Besides, it only hurts 

        when I sit.


CAROL

        Dinner should prove interesting. Just

        how do you plan on avoiding sitting?
 
BARBARA

        I'll just skip dinner, dummy.

(HARRY ENTERS FROM FRONT DOOR. HE'S ALL EXCITED. CHARLEY ENTERS WITH HIM. THEY ARE CARRYING A ROWING MACHINE)

HARRY

        Right there...

(THEY PUT THE ROWING MACHINE DOWN)

HARRY (CONT'D)

        Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...Girls, look at this.

CAROL

        Great, just what we need, a rack!

HARRY

        It has half a dozen positions...

CHARLEY

        I bet I can find an even dozen.

HARRY

(TO CAROL)
        
        Come on, sit right down here and put your oars 

        in the water.

CAROL

        The last time I put my oars in the water,

        I was eleven years old in summer camp and 

        Johnny Spenser grabbed hold of one of them,

        and flipped me over, right into Lake Kissimmee.

CHARLEY

        I bet you were wearing a white T-shirt at the 

        time. 

CAROL

        Why...yes, I was. How on earth did you know?

CHARLEY

        Let's just say, it was a lucky guess.

(HARRY MORE OR LESS PUSHES CAROL DOWN ON THE ROWING MACHINE. SHE PULLS THE ARMS A HALF STROKE AND GRUNTS)

HARRY

        Is that the best you can do?

CAROL

        Well, it's not like I have to cross the Delaware.

HARRY

        Come on, get off. I bet Barbara can show you

        what this baby can do.  


BARBARA

        No thanks, Daddy, I  think I'll pass.

HARRY

        Come on, honey, I'm counting on you.

CHARLEY

        Yeah, Barbara, why don't you give it a sit.

(BARBARA GETS UP. SHE'S TRYING TO HIDE HER LIMP AND PAIN)

HARRY

        Come on...I want to see what an exercise pro

        can do with this.  Sit on down and work up 

        a little sweat before dinner.

(BARBARA STARTS TO LEAVE THE ROOM. HARRY NOTICES HER LIMP)

HARRY

        Is that a limp?

BARBARA

        Oh..uh...no, my foot is asleep, that's all.

(HARRY PULLS HER TOWARD THE ROWING MACHINE)

HARRY

        Well this ought to help you wake up a bit.

        Come on, try it.

(HARRY FORCES BARBARA DOWN ON TO THE SEAT. BARBARA LETS OUT A YELP THAT STARTLES HARRY)

HARRY
        
        What the?  Are you alright?

        Did you twist your ankle or something?  

        Here, sit down and let me look at it.

BARBARA

        No! I'm fine. It's just that I...um...I got...

CAROL

        She got a tattoo...like Cher's.

(HARRY REACTS, HE'S ALMOST READY TO BLOW)

HARRY

        A tattoo? Are you nuts? Do you know how

        dangerous those sleazy parlors are? Those 

        dirty needles?...A tattoo? What are you some

        kind of biker's moll?  A tattoo...Don't tell me it's

        some guy's name.  Alright, who put you up to this?

(HARRY LOOKS AT CHARLEY)

CHARLEY

        Hey, don't blame me. But if it makes you feel 

        better, I'd be happy to buy her a string bikini 

        to show it off.

(HARRY FUMES)

HARRY

        Charley...Out.

(CHARLEY SHRUGS AND EXITS.)

BARBARA

(DEFENSIVELY)

        Listen, no one put me up to anything,

        I'm old enough to make up my own mind. If

        I wanted a tattoo, well, well, I'd just go out

        and get one. And that's all there is to it...

        I don't want to talk about it.

HARRY
        
        Barbara, need I remind you, I'm not only your 

        father, I'm a doctor...I should know...

Barbara

        I don't care...it's my own business...so..so..

        just leave me alone...

(BARBARA EXITS IN A AN ANGRY TEMPER. HARRY LOOKS REALLY UPSET. HE EYES CAROL. THEY STAND STARING AT EACH OTHER IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. CAROL LOOKS SHEEPISH AND GUILTY)

(FADE OUT)

END OF ACT ONE